Spiritual ponderings.

"It was all possible through the love of my Lord and Savior, Jesus."

That statement has tweaked me in some way or another since I was about 18.  I'm not trying to be an ass by saying that.  What started all this is I ended up in something of a spiritual discussion the other night.  Actually it was more of me listening to someone else's definition of their own religious beliefs and spirituality.  Either way, it left me in a sort of spiritual debate with myself and wondering, once again, where it is I actually stand on religion.

Being in the "Bible Belt of the South", I always tend to avoid the subject in conversations as it's nearly impossible to meet a person with an open mind about  another's stance on religion.  There is so much of the old Southern traditions of Sunday attendance and hellfire and brimstone.  Even just to keep from arguing with and feeling sorry for myself, I try not to think about it that often.  I don't really consider myself a religious person in the traditional sense, but I do know that I have some sort of spiritual morality.  I was raised in the United Methodist denomination of protestant Christianity.  As a teenager, I used to think that everything had to be done the way that God wanted it done.  I was very active in the church.  However, I never really felt comfortable in the actual church environment.  Most of my interaction was through the youth group and a summer organization called The Gathering Place.  I even attended a Chrysalis Walk and worked several after that.  I didn't pray a whole lot, nor was I very into reading the Bible outside of the few Bible studies I attended.

I've been at a sort of questioning point in my life since that life-altering car accident when I was 18.  I was broadsided late at night at a red light.  Later they told me that if the other car had struck me 1/4" closer, I would have been dead.  I was carted off to the ER since I was knocked silly, but I walked out of there an hour or so later unharmed, minus a pain in my side where the door handle jammed into my hip.  Thanks to that door handle, two weeks later, my spleen ruptured.  By the time I got back to the hospital (I'm stubborn about going and had never really experienced pain like that before), I had lost over 2 units of blood to internal bleeding.  I was in and out of a daze, so I now have an understanding of what dying is like.  You just begin to slip away.  Your vision becomes blurry, there's dizziness, then you start to loose conciousness.  I would say there's no pain, but that rupture left me with a cramp in my side like nothing I've never known.  I can only begin to compare it to menstrual cramps (based on how it's been described to me).  But, I don't experience those, so I dont' know.  Anyway, so near-death twice in a two week period.  You being to respect life and start to live it to the fullest.  You tend to worry less about the small things.  So why did this change the way I looked at religion?  No, I don't hate God for letting that happen to me; that's just stupid to even begin to think.  I'm still alive for a reason (one of these days, I'll figure out what that reason is).  The experiences made me realize that everything I had been taught up to that point about ritualistic deeds and trying to cram your beliefs down others' throats was pety and insignificant.

People ask me, "What religion are you?" or "Are you religious?"  Well, considering I really just can't get the whole denomination thing anymore (isn't Christiantiy sill Christianity no matter which church teaches it?), I'm not really any particualr religion.  I have my Christian roots, so most would guess "I'm Christian" would be my reply.  But, it's the "are you religious" question that really throws them for a loop.  Since I don't really consider myself "religious", that answer is more of a, "I'm more of a self-spiritualist."  I get some funny looks on that one.  ;)  "What, you think you're a god?"  I have to laugh at that reply because I can see the disgust in their faces.  No, you frikin moron; it means I don't want you preaching to me that if I don't admit or believe this or that, I'm going to Hell.  I'm a scicentist and mathematiton at heart.  I'm constantly seeking proof for things through those methods.  For this, some consider me athiest.  That's not true because I still believe there is some sort of omnipetence that ties everything together.  Whether that be God, Rah, Allah, or whatever name you want to give it is in the mouth of the believer.  In that sense, I'm described as an agnostic.  That's not entirely true, either.  Agnostic has such a funny definition.  Yes, I don't always just accept an answer, and I question things all the time.  I belive in Jesus; however, I tend to believe more in the stories of the deeds he did for people and the way he treated them.  Even without my Christian up-bringing, I've always tried to be a good person: help those in need when you can; be polite and courteous when possible; show compassion for others, etc.  Another thing I am a firm believer in is Karma.  "What goes around comes around."  The Golden Rule.  In that same sense, I also believe in the basic principles of yin and yang.  There cannot be good without evil.  Equality in all things and deeds.  There must be a balance.

"I feel closest to my spirituality when I'm around nature...."  "I want to think that I won't be turned from Heaven because I've slept with someone before I got married, or because I smoke....  I feel that the work I do to help others is far greater than those sins."  Or, something like that were some of the statements I got during our talk.  It's so wild to hear someone say things like I think.  As far as the whole Heaven and Hell thing, there is probably a difference in my opinions and what was intended in those statements; but, for the most part, I would consider us to have very similar spiritual stances.  We didn't have a very in depth conversation or debate, so I'm not really sure.  It was odd, though.  I'm still trying to figure out how the whole thing even got started.

This has been bugging me all day.  Hopefully, now that it's all written down, I'll be at peace... at least, until the next time I get in this funk of "Am I really a worthy person," again.  Tomorrow's gonna be a long day, so I need to get to bed.

 

l8rs.