Definately a bad idea.

I'm loosing my mind. ...No, I've already lost it. There is no way I'm gonna make my Oct 1 go live date. I'll even be lucky if I make Dec 1 at this rate. I was looking at the upcoming TV schedule today, and I'm watching at least one show every evening. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to work, keep up on the comic, and keep up with 6 TV series? Speaking of watching TV, there's this fscked up movie on... "Nightwatch"... with Ewan McGregor. Supposed to be some sort of "gory suspenser", as the guide describes it. I'm quickly loosing interest, and it's only been on for 30 min. Ew, Patricia Arquette has on this horribly bad bowl cut blonde wig.

So, for the comic (yes, total random thought process here), I've been thinking about the site layout. I want to do a background image, but I want the image to scale with the size of the browser. When I was coding pages (html v3), this wasn't possible. I've been spending more time with OS's and hardware over the years, so I've gotten out of the graphical design side of things. Good thing I have 2 good friends (one is the webmaster at work) I can hit up for ideas. Hell, I may even just get my friend that freelances to do it (paying in alcohol is always easy). ;) So, I guess I'll just keep drawing and working on getting things scanned in and manipulated into images. Ergh... well, work is still being a pain, also. Hopefully I can keep everything in check and give myself time to do the comic. This month is crazy with my friend getting married. This better be the last wedding I'm involved in.

Well, I'm going to finish watching my Elfin Lied DVD, then I'm going to bed.



l8rs.

Maybe a bad idea.

I'm really beginning to think this whole webcomic thing was a bad idea.

It's been a crazy weekend.  Fri was the "meet my friend" night.  That turned out to be a bust, since she seemed a whole hell of a lot more interested in someone else she met earlier in the evening.  No big.  She's leaving town next weekend newayz.  Then, yesterday, I ended up helping my friend pack and clean his soon to be sold house.  Long day, but I got a free lunch out of it.  Went for hot wings at Taco Mac for dinner.  How I've missed that place.  Awesome wings!  Last trip of the night was, of course, my trip into work to shutdown the server room in prep for the power outage this morning.  I'm guessing my co-worker couldn't read my handwriting cause he still powered my cluster on wrong.  At least I didn't have to go down there today.

So, I wake up this morning (knowing I'm supposed to spend the whole day working on the comic) and it's raining.  Nothing hard; just one of those lazy summer rainy days with "fat" rain and a cool breeze.  Enough to make you just want to curl up on the couch with a warm blanket and watch movies all day.  There went my motivation.  Oh, I've been drawing, but I've been finding everything else I can to do instead.  I've discovered I'm more of an inspiration artist.  I tend to do single drawings when I get inspired.  This isn't hard, and I've already sketched all 4 panels for the first post.  I just need to ink and scan and combine them into an image.  Honestly, the inking process isn't all that hard either, and I already know how I want to put them together.  I'm just not all that versed in how to use GIMP, so I don't know how long it will take me to put them together.  I still have to submit that image to the provider to get approved for the site.  While I'm waiting on approval, I still need to code that site.  I haven't created a web "site" in forever.  I've also decided to use Amaya to do this to make it easier to maintain.  Considering I haven't really planned the layout of the site, this could take some time.  Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to make my Oct 1 deadline.  If I do this correctly, updating posts shouldn't take anywhere near as much effort as the initial creation.  The only thimg I'm hating is the creation process.  I was thinking, "Oh, this can't be all that difficult.  I love to draw!"  Hah!  I should have paid more attention to other artists bitching about the heart-wrenching 8 hours it takes to create a page.  They weren't kidding.  It took me 2 hours just to sketch 2 of 4 panels.  I may not get the inking finished tonight, but I'm going to at least try (if I can force my way through this motivation funk I'm in).  My initial plan of working on the comic on Sundays is probably going to change to throughout the week.  Last thing I need is spending all of the last day of my weekend working on my newly dubbed "unpaid second job".  ;)

Well, I've wasted enough time.  I need to change the laundry, take out the fat dog, get some grub, then get back to inking.

 

l8rs.

Oui Vey.

I'm not quite the young whipper-snapper that Ilike to think I am.  So my friend decides she wants to hook me up with at least one of her other friends.  Quick question here: why do girls always want to play matchmaker for their single guy friends?  Newayz, so we go to this pub last night.  Here's where I'm getting old.  No, it wasn't the staying out late part; I'm up till somewhere between 2 and 4 am almost every night.  I'm not quite sure where or when it happened, either, but I've just lost the whole entertainment value of sitting around in a noisy, smokey bar drinking.  I can do that at home: 1. it's a whole lot cheaper, and 2. you don't have to scream at each other to talk.  If I'm going out, I want to be on a dance floor somewhere.  Also, I've noticed my socialization skills are a bit out of practice.  I haven't been on an actual date in about 5 years, now.  Don't get me wrong, I had a good time, and quite a few of her friends we met up with were rather cute.  She did make a point last night that affirmed what has been on the back of my mind for a while: "all of my friends think you're a hottie... but, you smoke."  It's funny.  About 5 or 6 years ago when I started, it was cool or nobody really cared.  Now that I've broken that 30 barrier, you get shunned to the outer rims of society.  I guess it's part of that whole growing up, taking on responsibility thing that most start thinking about in their 30s.  Heh.  Nope.  I still refuse to get past about 25 or 26.  ;)  I have to admit, tho, that she's right.  It is time to finally quit; especially if I ever plan on dating again.  Once I finish this carton, I'm going to attempt to it, once again.

So where was I going with this?  Hell if I remember.  Ah well.  Lemme get cleaned up and changed before another friend gets over here to pick me up.  I'm off to fulfill the last of my packing duties... hopefully, the last for quite a while.

 

l8rs.

WTF!!???

Damn, dude.  It's frikin' 11:30, already, and I still haven't stopped working?  I am sooooo far behind at work.  Today was meetings, meetings, meetings.  I abhore meetings with a passion.  All that's ever accomplished is everyone talking about what they want to get done which just wastes precious time to get stuff done.  This, yet, further affirms the fact that I never want any sort of political, managerial, or executive roll in my job... ever!  I have at least 30 some-odd support tasks to work on (from installs, to network port activations, to Active Directory permission allowances, to... hell, I can't keep count).  This doesn't include the 30 some-odd "projects" that I either want to work on or need to get done ASAP that's been on my whiteboard since January.  ...NOTE: if you take vacation, be sure to give yourself at least a day to catch up on email....

I'm out of "Please Teacher!" DVDs to watch.  Time to rip these and send 'em back for more (so I can finish up the series).

On the more fun-side of life (heh, yeah, like that really exists), Ch33zip00fz! is starting to build up it's internet presence.  I've already secured email and a few places to "pimp" the comic.  Also, I think I've decided on software and a host provider.  My goal is to have at least the first page up by Oct 1, 2006.  That gives me a week and a half to get all the tools together, the site designed, and at least one drawing done.  Whew, that's beginning to sound pretty unrealistic now, but let's see what I can get done this weekend before deciding that.  We're about to show the world how crappy my html coding skillz are.  ;)  I guess I should go ahead and purchase the domain just in case I really want to continue on with this so I don't get screwed later.  My only fear I've had in all this is overnight success.  I mean, it's highly unlikely and all, but you never know.  I just want to do this for fun.  I still have a real job that I want to keep.  And, yes, I said, "keep"; as in I don't want to get fired because the comic ends up taking over my life because I have multitude of readers to appease.  This has probably been my biggest delay as of late.  Well, no worries.  Hell, who knows?  It could end up being the next cult following.  Heh... yeah, like that'd ever happen.  :\  Well, I need to get some sleep.  I now have 3 days to catch up on instead of two, and I have plans to hang with a friend tomorrow evening (the Guiness calls).  I don't want to be at work all night.

Oh, BTW.  Vista is working!  w00+!  The wireless, video, and modem didn't work out of the box, but with some coaxing from the Dell drivers and a hack on the Nvidia driver, all is well.  I may post what I did to get it running, but hopefully come release date, it won't matter.  Just a side note, this "Aero" Visual Appearance that they're tauting is only for the high end video cards kinda reminds me of Mac's Aqua... hmmmm.... can we say, "Copycat"?  ;)

 

l8rs.

Whew.

I hate going on vacation. You're gone from work for 2 days, and as soon as you get back, you find out something has either horribly gone wrong or noone can figure out the things you do (even tho it's all documented). Well, at least I have job security. ;)

So... I'm back. Actually, I got back yesterday afternoon, but I just needed to sit around and veg. Yet another sunburn to nurse. Living under all this flourescent lighting for the last 7 years has weakened my tolerance to the sun. As much as I hate to say this, I guess I'm going to have to start going to a tanning bed about once or twice a month. I'll just find one of those weak ones. I've been missing my regularly tanned skin anyway.

Well, RC2 is now out for Windows Vista, so I'm gonna give the wireless and the video another try. Maybe even Fedora Core 6 Test 2 will work (I need to play with the ndiswrapper from ATrpms). I'm off to reformat my laptop... once again. I've taken a chance and rented "Please Teacher!" since I haven't seen much on it. It's a little odd, but it seems to be pretty good. It's running in the background.

l8rs.

General Tso's Spicy Sesame Pork.

I am the stir fry master! I've discovered a new dish tonight. I loves me some stir fry, and tonight was the night. Take some of those really thin pork slices that Kroger sells (the ones you can't do anything with other than make sandwiches) and slice into strips. Drop in the wok with a little olive oil so not to burn 'em. Season with minced garlic, McCormick's Season Salt, sesame seeds, and a little soy sauce for taste (just don't ask me how much 'cause I never measure anything). Once cooked, glaze with Iron Chef brand General Tso's Glaze and Sauce. mmmmmm.... magnifique y delicioso! (<--- that's fre-spanglish for really frikin' good) See, I told you I've been on a food kick lately. ;) Actually, I like to cook. I'm not a master chef or anything (my presentation skills blow), but I don't think I'm that bad. It's just so hard to cook for one person (even tho I can eat enough for two people). That and I grew up where the cook never cleans. The cleanup afterwards is always the suckiest part.

Well, the 'rents will be here tomorrow to help move my sister this weekend. I'm heading down with them to unload and unpack. I'm making it a 5-day weekend; my last on the beach for the summer. They don't have high-speed internet, yet, so this'll probably be my last post until Tues or Wed of next week when I get back.

Oh, yeah... I'm getting my drafting table, so I should start more definitive work on "Ch33zip00fz!" soon. Yay! The dream is finally starting to become a reality. :D I finally got my game back on last night. Since going through my Xbox games for compatiblity, I came to the sad discovery that I can't transfer my old game saves from the Xbox to the 360. So, last night, I started over with Halo. Finished it up earlier before cooking dinner, so on to the next. I'll probably go through a round or two of DOA4 then start on Halo 2 since I won't be able to get any game time in this weekend. Off I go. :p~



l8rs.

It's official. I can't sleep like normal human beings.

I don't have a freakin clue what my issue is. I think I finally burnt myself out today. I went on 4 hours of sleep (which isn't all that unnatural) today. I started nodding off in front of a computer around 2p, and it was all I could do to keep from passing out on the train on the way home. So, I get home and just crash on the couch. This is around 7p. An hour later, I wake up, do what I need and head off to bed. I have to fight myself for about a half hour just to get to sleep. Then what happens? I wake up at 11:30p. Well, now I know there's no way I can even consider going to sleep before 4a. This blows. Why can't I sleep like everyone else? Not to mention I've been waking to funky dreams about people I haven't talked to in 10+ years thinking, "WTF was that all about!?" The only thing that's changed is I've started drinking more Sprite. Hmmm.... maybe I should lay off the lymon.... LOL.

Well, might as well make use of the time and pay bills or clean or *gasp* do work.



l8rs.

I think I'm pregnant.

You laugh, but I'm serious. I've been gorging myself like a starved little Ethiopian child. I normally eat by just snacking all day long. Now I'm eating 3 full meals (including breakfast which I usually skip) plus all my snacking. Hell, I've probably even gained a little weight (which would make my mom happy). Ah, well; the seasons are changing. My appetite usually is affected by it.

It's been an extremely long weekend. Between the concert on Friday and all the packing help yesterday, I'm exhausted. The concert on Friday. Oh, that was a foobar in itself. I go to Cowboys to fill my little desire for country line dancing. So, I'm on the phone with a friend trying to determine a movie to watch, and I get a text message saying I'm getting kidnapped to go to Cowboys. The band playing is the Zac Brown Band; not your typical country atmosphere band. The place was packed, but not a whole lot of line dancing going on. And the crowd was not the normal country-goers. I could actually count the number of ppl dancing on 2 hands. Don't get me wrong, the band was good, and I would have had a good time... in a different setting. Needless to say, I left after the first set. I think the majority of the regulars did as well. The band has taken a regular spot on Wed nights. It's sad to see a bar have to changes it's format to keep afloat. That's usually the only reason something like this happens, at least, from what I've seen in the past. I don't live there regularly, like my sister and some of her friends, but I do like to go for a change of pace every once and a while. It would be sad to see it go. There is another country bar. I've never been, but I've heard it's just not the same.

OK. That's out of the way, as is most of the packing. So, now, I need to pick up those tubs and pack up the junk that's here. Not to mention, the apartment is a wreck, and I need to do laundry something fierce. Geeze... I'm just never going to get any game time in. This is driving me insane! Today is my only day for the next two weeks. Next weekend, I move my sister. The following, I move my friend. I'm so ready to just sit down and do nothing for an entire weekend. Alright. I'm going to finish watching the village, make a few phone calls, then decide if I want to be productive or not. :) 3nj0i the rest of ur weekends.



l8rs.

post tomorrow... hopefully

I'm in the process of installing (for, like, the 5th time since yesterday) the Linux half of my new (well, month old, but it's still new to me) laptop. I'm installing and playing with some new blogging tools as well.

Since I just realized it's 3:30a, I'm going to bed. I've got some ranting to do about tonight. But I don't want to be up when the sun rises, so it'll have to wait. My sister got her new job, so I'm packing her up tomorrow. Then I'm off to help a friend pack up his collection of junk for storage later in the evening since he finally sold his house ("cottage in the boonies", as his fiance calls it). That means a new entry may not happen until sometime Sun. How is it, all of a sudden, I'm packing/moving almost everyone I know? Short of when my sister moved out last Feb, I haven't done any moving in the last two years (which is a feat in itself, since I'm the one usually moving every 8 months to a year). This'll be 3 ppl in the last month.

Bed... must go to bed or I'll be up all night.

l8rs.

Sad obsession.

So I'm sitting outside enjoying a clove and a glass of Cab while BS'ing with my sister and I realize... this is the first night I haven't worn sleeves or a sweatshirt in the last couple of evenings.  Of course it might have something to do with the 3/4 of a bottle I've finished since I got home from work.  That or the admittance that Fall is upon us with the light fading sooner, the dew falling heavier, and the cool evenings and mornings.  Soon, I will be loosing that extra hour I so cherish from Daylight Savings.  My summer is once again over.  The warm sunshine, humidity, and longer days are no more.  My krispiness from the trip to the pool the other day is the last of the season.  The heat can be unbearable at times, but I so long for warmer days.  I am not a soul of colder climates.  I prefer sandy beaches, sweaty afternoons, and salty hoppy beers.  Instead, I switch to wines of red and blush and layers of clothing with thicker socks. 

....This sucks!  ;)

Eh, maybe I'll be able to scrounge up enough funds to go skiiing this year.  If not, at least, maybe I'll be able to con a few friends into a camping trip in the early Fall as the leaves change and beautify the scenic tromp through the north Georgia mountains trails.  I was reading a post from Fred about the slow progress of change of nature compared to the standard disposable society we live in these days and realized how much being away from the city and in the calm relaxing openess of nowhere-land soothes my ever-spastic nature.  Admitedly, I can only take it in small doses; but, still, it is well welcomed.

On another note, this blogging thing has become an extremely sad obsession.  Since the Con, I feel like I have to post something almost every (if not every) day, now.  Also, I noticed I've had an exponentional increase in views to my blog in the last couple of days.  Do you ppl really give a $h!+ about what I have to rant about?  Wow... that's just scary.  I'm just another soul on this information highway of life; nothing all that important.  Well, if you honesly like, then 3nj0iZ!  :)  For some funky reason, I'm feeling sharing; which in itself is oxymoronic because I'm not an extremely open person.  I'm normally very private.  I can't quite figure out why dumping random thoughts to a keyboard seem to come so enigmaticaly or easily.  Whatever.

Yet another post that turned into a whole lot more philosophical meandering than I intended.  So, off to video game land I go (been jonesing the last couple of days).  Oh, BTW, I'm still psyched about getting Ch33zip00fz online.  That's an accomplishment in itself being 3 days and I haven't lost interest, yet.  ;)  I'm in the phase of figuring out how to procure the hardware to do what I need.  Admitedly, my doodling hasn't increased all that much, but still: I am psyched!  Ok, I'm really outtie this time.

 

l8rs.

Con Report - Day 2 (Part Deux)

Errrrggghhh.. I so hate Myspace sometimes.  You spend 30 minutes working on something, and dammit if it doesn't post.

Ooooo... this ought to be an interesting season.  Sorry, been watching Nip Tuck.  ;)

Ok, so back to the Con.  Sorry about not posting, yesterday.  I ended up not going after all.  I was out getting krispy by the pool.  I hurt now... Ouch.  Well, you've seen the few pictures I finally managed to post.  Sunday was, as I mentioned, more of a business conference kinda experience for me.  I got some really good info on getting Ch33zip00fz up and running from the Webcomics panel.  They were hilarious.  Kittyhawk kicked this page up on the projector which stopped one of the other guys in mid-introduction saying, "There are boobs on the screen, aren't there?  Well, I can't compete with that.  I give up."  Sad thing is, there were 6 artists on the panel, and all I can remember is Jennie and Kittyhawk.  I don't remember much of what I did after that, either.  Dude, what happended to my memory!?  I know I went to the bar, but I didn't drink that many Stellas.  ;)  Hehehe...  So, Sunday morning I sat in on the Buffy characters panel (Zander and Glory).  It was actually pretty funny.  Those two both have quite a realistic sense of humor.  However, the best was the Wash and River panel (Firefly/Serenity) that followed.  Alan Tudyk is a riot!  LOL!  The best question he was asked was, "Who's a better kisser, [the chick who plays Zoe (can't remember her name)], or Heath Ledger [from A Knight's Tale]?"  Oh the look on his face was classic!  Yah... everything else is just a blur till the Masquerade costume contest.  THAT was pretty freakin funny, but my friend and her relatives were saying it wasn't as good as last year.  I liked the Storm Trooper Janitors, tho.  They won most original, or something like that, but not over-all.

And, so, that wraps up the con report (as lame as it is).  I'll definately be going again next year.  However, I may be cosplaying.  I was informed that I would make a very good Gambit.... hmmm... not quite sure how to respond to that.  I don't know French (other than "merde") or Acadian; and, to top it off my Cajun accent sucks.  Well, looking forward to AWA in 2 weeks!  Hopefully, I'll have the cash to go.

 

l8rs.

Con Report - Day 2

I spent most of the day in and out of panels.  However, I'm exhausted and have smoked waaaay too much in the last couple of days.  I'll post more details tomorrow.  Besides, I need to get back on my semi-regular sleep schedule for work on Tues.  I forgot to take pictures... again... but, I've added the few I took to the Flickr set.

And for Linda: "I like cheeze!"

Oh, and plug for Sparking Generation Valkyrie Yukki.  Major props to Kittyhawk for her awesome help and information in the Drawing 101 and Webcomics panels yesterday and today.  I skipped Drawing 201; I needed a break.

 

l8rs.

Con Report - Day 1

I can now say I have attended my first anime fan boy moderated panel.  This was for the "Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex" series of which I haven't see all of the episodes for, yet.  I love watching anime, but I leave it at just watching it.  Heh, I've always read about this, but it's true... fan boys are a mess.  I don't see how anyone can get so riled up about a cartoon... or movie or tv series for that matter.  Don't get me wrong, the debates in the panel were interesting.  I almost put my two cents worth in when they started arguing about the continuity and chance for error when it comes to digitial reproduction (it started by referring to an episode where "ghost" copying was performed).  I'm glad I stayed out of it, now.  It's not worth arguing with a fanatic that thinks they're right.  Especially, when I only have limited knowledge on the subject (even tho I work with one of the top DSP graduate departments in the nation).  The bonus for the panel was I got to watch a screener for the new movie coming out in November.  I almost smacked the moderator and one of the geeks sitting in front of me when they wouldn't shut up throughout the whole damn movie.  It was hard enough trying to concentrate since the thing was in Japanese with no subtitles.  Probably even the funniest of this event was the rather large crowd waiting on the movie to end so the henti (anime pr0n) could start.

As for the rest of the con, I finally got down there around 2p.  I slept in since I was up so late last night.  The first couple of hours were spent figuring out how to get around the 2 hr waiting line (if I hadn't found out that pre-registerees could skip the wait, I would have gone back home), wandering the dealer rooms (which I left quickly so I wouldn't start spending money on things I did NOT need), and getting my bearings of the all the different rooms across the 3 hotels.  I still haven't gone to anything in the Marriot, yet.  As with all cons, cosplayers are everywhere.  I saw comic book heroes, Storm Troopers, X-Wing Fighter Pilots, Jedis, Darth Vaders, Browncoats, Trekkies, a very well done Belle from Beauty and the Beast:

,a good deal of different Anime characters (suprisingly), tons of vampire and Goth-based leather, vinyl, and lace, and faries out the wazoo.  Even managed to finally get a picture of Master Chief:
There were several other game characters that I recognized as well, but I couldn't tell you which games they were from off the top of my head.  Unfortunately, in all my wandering and gawking, I kept forgetting my camera was in my pocket (Day 1 Pics).  Also, some major hotties in skimpies:

Overall, I've been very impressed.  Crowd control is amazing.  For as many people as there are, I've never seen such organization.  Oh, it's still packed in most places, but at least you're moving or can easily find a way around the masses, if you try (especially helpful when you're headed outside for a smokie break).

Since it took me a while to get aclimated, I didn't get to my first "Program" until 5:30p: New Trends in Computer Arts and Graphics.  Interesting panel on using digital tools for artistic purposes.  It wasn't anything I hadn't heard or figured out already, though.  Next, I headed across the lobby and down a couple of escalators for Drawing Anime 101.  Yes, this is mostly a sci-fi/fantasy and role-play con, but they still have an anime track, amazingly.  The odd part is that after asking a couple of questions, I realized who this KittyHawk was that I was probing and quizzing for drawing tips: the author/artist of the Sparking Generation Valkyrie Yukki webcomic.  LOL!  I haven't read that comic since she first started it years ago on Keenspace (which has changed names, apparently).  I about flipped out once she started bringing up panels from the comic.  I didn't get a chance to talk to her afterwards because I had to bolt out early for another presentation on "real vampires".  I wished I had stayed at the anime one till the end as the vampire presentation turned out to be just an enlightenment on the descriptions of blood suckers in older/ancient non-fiction literary texts (like the Bible).  Don't get me wrong, it was interesting, but after about half an hour I wasn't in the mood to analyze literature, so I left.  KittyHawk is doing a couple more tomorrow, so hopefully I can get a chance to talk to her then.  Anyway, I left the real world vampires talk, took a quick smoke break, and headed over to catch the tail end of the Dawn (old comic by Michael Linsner) look-alike contest.  What's the point of going to a con if you don't check out at least one costume contest?  So who's the guest of honor hosting the thing?  Anthony Danies (C3P0)!  He even used the classic line, "Well, I am versed in over 6 million forms of communication" after spouting some Japanese to one of the contestants themed as a Gaisha.  The crowd went nuts!

I've wanted to attend the Buffy Prom ever since I read about it's first apperance when I looked in to going a few years ago.  The Southeastern Browncoats (Firefly/Serenity fans) were hosting a Shindig at the same time.  Unfortunately, I wasn't really dressed for either, so I passed on them this year for the uncanny-ness of the GITS panel.  I might hit the Star Wars Cantina tomorrow evening if I can get my friend to hand around a little later (tagging along a 4yr-old apparently isn't easy).  I would have hung around for Cruxshadows performance at 1a, but the last MARTA train left at 1:20a, Cuervo needed to go out, and I was getting a bit hungry (even tho I did eat a lunch/dinner of sorts around 5).

So now that I have a schedule, I'm going to try to plan out tomorrow a little better so I'm not skittering around quite as aimlessly as today.  Besides, I think I'm going to the pool on Mon, instead, if there's not much going on (ends at 4p).  So, tomorrow's my big day.  Hopefully I'll remember to take more pictures....

 

l8rs.

Spiritual ponderings.

"It was all possible through the love of my Lord and Savior, Jesus."

That statement has tweaked me in some way or another since I was about 18.  I'm not trying to be an ass by saying that.  What started all this is I ended up in something of a spiritual discussion the other night.  Actually it was more of me listening to someone else's definition of their own religious beliefs and spirituality.  Either way, it left me in a sort of spiritual debate with myself and wondering, once again, where it is I actually stand on religion.

Being in the "Bible Belt of the South", I always tend to avoid the subject in conversations as it's nearly impossible to meet a person with an open mind about  another's stance on religion.  There is so much of the old Southern traditions of Sunday attendance and hellfire and brimstone.  Even just to keep from arguing with and feeling sorry for myself, I try not to think about it that often.  I don't really consider myself a religious person in the traditional sense, but I do know that I have some sort of spiritual morality.  I was raised in the United Methodist denomination of protestant Christianity.  As a teenager, I used to think that everything had to be done the way that God wanted it done.  I was very active in the church.  However, I never really felt comfortable in the actual church environment.  Most of my interaction was through the youth group and a summer organization called The Gathering Place.  I even attended a Chrysalis Walk and worked several after that.  I didn't pray a whole lot, nor was I very into reading the Bible outside of the few Bible studies I attended.

I've been at a sort of questioning point in my life since that life-altering car accident when I was 18.  I was broadsided late at night at a red light.  Later they told me that if the other car had struck me 1/4" closer, I would have been dead.  I was carted off to the ER since I was knocked silly, but I walked out of there an hour or so later unharmed, minus a pain in my side where the door handle jammed into my hip.  Thanks to that door handle, two weeks later, my spleen ruptured.  By the time I got back to the hospital (I'm stubborn about going and had never really experienced pain like that before), I had lost over 2 units of blood to internal bleeding.  I was in and out of a daze, so I now have an understanding of what dying is like.  You just begin to slip away.  Your vision becomes blurry, there's dizziness, then you start to loose conciousness.  I would say there's no pain, but that rupture left me with a cramp in my side like nothing I've never known.  I can only begin to compare it to menstrual cramps (based on how it's been described to me).  But, I don't experience those, so I dont' know.  Anyway, so near-death twice in a two week period.  You being to respect life and start to live it to the fullest.  You tend to worry less about the small things.  So why did this change the way I looked at religion?  No, I don't hate God for letting that happen to me; that's just stupid to even begin to think.  I'm still alive for a reason (one of these days, I'll figure out what that reason is).  The experiences made me realize that everything I had been taught up to that point about ritualistic deeds and trying to cram your beliefs down others' throats was pety and insignificant.

People ask me, "What religion are you?" or "Are you religious?"  Well, considering I really just can't get the whole denomination thing anymore (isn't Christiantiy sill Christianity no matter which church teaches it?), I'm not really any particualr religion.  I have my Christian roots, so most would guess "I'm Christian" would be my reply.  But, it's the "are you religious" question that really throws them for a loop.  Since I don't really consider myself "religious", that answer is more of a, "I'm more of a self-spiritualist."  I get some funny looks on that one.  ;)  "What, you think you're a god?"  I have to laugh at that reply because I can see the disgust in their faces.  No, you frikin moron; it means I don't want you preaching to me that if I don't admit or believe this or that, I'm going to Hell.  I'm a scicentist and mathematiton at heart.  I'm constantly seeking proof for things through those methods.  For this, some consider me athiest.  That's not true because I still believe there is some sort of omnipetence that ties everything together.  Whether that be God, Rah, Allah, or whatever name you want to give it is in the mouth of the believer.  In that sense, I'm described as an agnostic.  That's not entirely true, either.  Agnostic has such a funny definition.  Yes, I don't always just accept an answer, and I question things all the time.  I belive in Jesus; however, I tend to believe more in the stories of the deeds he did for people and the way he treated them.  Even without my Christian up-bringing, I've always tried to be a good person: help those in need when you can; be polite and courteous when possible; show compassion for others, etc.  Another thing I am a firm believer in is Karma.  "What goes around comes around."  The Golden Rule.  In that same sense, I also believe in the basic principles of yin and yang.  There cannot be good without evil.  Equality in all things and deeds.  There must be a balance.

"I feel closest to my spirituality when I'm around nature...."  "I want to think that I won't be turned from Heaven because I've slept with someone before I got married, or because I smoke....  I feel that the work I do to help others is far greater than those sins."  Or, something like that were some of the statements I got during our talk.  It's so wild to hear someone say things like I think.  As far as the whole Heaven and Hell thing, there is probably a difference in my opinions and what was intended in those statements; but, for the most part, I would consider us to have very similar spiritual stances.  We didn't have a very in depth conversation or debate, so I'm not really sure.  It was odd, though.  I'm still trying to figure out how the whole thing even got started.

This has been bugging me all day.  Hopefully, now that it's all written down, I'll be at peace... at least, until the next time I get in this funk of "Am I really a worthy person," again.  Tomorrow's gonna be a long day, so I need to get to bed.

 

l8rs.