Still hard to forget...

You know, even after 3 years, it's still hard to let go.

On my way home earlier, I was listening to the local Country station since all my CDs are out of the Jeep (reorganized my CDs - long story; don't feel like going into it). This song came on that I haven't heard before. Tear in your beer kinda thing, which I normally change the station for; yet, I continued to listen. I don't know who sings it or the title of it, but one of the lines goes something like "...when I hear your name, I think of rain." Woah. Those lines hit home.

My last ex and I ended very hatefully and ugly. Mostly all we did was argue the last 8 months of our relationship, plus there was a whole lot of other crappy things going on between us. I won't go into the details cause I don't like remembering them; so, lets just keep it as it did not end well, at all. The thing was, we only "officially" dated for maybe two years, but we spent a lot of time with each other before then. During the good times, I was coming to the realization that she could be the one. She was intelligent, strong willed, independant... she had a lot of the best qualities of what I hope the person to someday spend the rest of my life with should. We even talked about marriage several times. As time passed, we both grew wiser and older, and we changed. As relationships go, you should. Unfortunately, we refused to admit that those changes went in different directions. This is probably what eventually destroyed us, but there's no need to think about and linger on it, now.

As I was listening to the lyrics of this song at the stop light (damn lights take forever to change later at night), I couldn't help thinking that I still miss her and the good times we had. Don't get me wrong, even if the opportunity ever presented itself, I would never get back together with her. We both hurt each other so bad in the end, it's a little hard to forget (and forgive).

I've known since the day we finally seperated that life goes on. Yes, I was bitter; very bitter, in fact. But, should I still feel that way even after this long? Another quizzical (is "quizzical" even a word?) is why do these thoughts and feelings still linger in the back of my mind? They resurface ocassionaly, and I end up feeling lonely then pissed off. I keep telling myself I'm fine being alone. I can do the things I want and don't have to deal with the bitching from someone else about it being wrong or something I shouldn't be doing. Admittedly, if you are with the right one, that shouldn't be an issue. It just so hard dealing with this emotional turmoil... something I've never been good at. It's not that I want that someone around me that I can call "my girlfriend." I've got plenty of those (I have a tendancy of becoming "one of the girls" or the really good guy-friend - which I don't have a problem with and prefer in most cases). ;) Just occasionaly, I get lonely and want that loving touch of someone who honestly and deeply cares. Maybe it's just human nature, maybe it's society. I haven't figured that out, yet. They say, "There's someone out there for everyone." Maybe I'll meet that one, or maybe I already have; who knows. Honestly, I'm not all that worried about it, but why am I still bitter? Why do I still think about her? Why can't I just let go?

Assuredly, most everyone has been through this scenario or something similar at some point in their life. It may make sense. It may just sound like another bad break-up. Thinking of those who know me, who knew her, who knew the situtation... it just all seems so weird... scary, even.


Wow. This has to be a new record or something. 4 posts in the same week. :)


l8rs.